A Little Less 16 Candles, A Little More Cut Me! (The Loved Ones)


I fucking love this movie! The Loved Ones plays like a John Hughes teen movie for sick fucks. Sick, Twisted, Ultraviolent, Perverted Fucks! My kinda people!

*spoilers ahead*

The film begins with Brent driving with his father, and playfully teasing each other about their taste in music when out of nowhere they see a blood soaked man standing in the road! Brent swerves out of the way, sending their car crashing into a tree, killing his father. 6 months later, Brent is wracked with guilt and has turned to smoking pot and cutting himself. FEEL THE EMOTION!!!! Jamie, Brent’s token chubby friend, manages to work up the balls to ask the hot goth girl, Mia, to the school dance, while Brent politely turns down an invitation from quiet pretty girl Lola. Brent instead plans on going with his faithful and understanding girlfriend Holly, not knowing that Lola is a very disturbed girl and is accustomed to getting what she wants…


Because the film follows two stories, those being Jamie’s hot date with Mia, and Brent’s night of torture at the hands of Lola and her Father/Lola’s dream date, the tone swings liberally between light hearted teen movie and stomach churning horror. The violence is unflinching, sadistic and is kept simple. There is no need for elaborate death traps or contraptions, or for nightmarish instruments of torture. More disturbing that any weapon though, is Lola and her Father. When it’s time to get nasty, the Father has a manic fire in his eyes, made all the more intense by his usually unassuming demeanor. He’s not the sort who you would expect the be a hard case, until he opens up that side of him and a monster comes snarling out. When he looks at his Daughter, his eyes are filled with pure love. He would do anything for her, even routinely abduct and torture the objects of her desire all in an effort to make her warped dream of finding her Prince a reality. One scene in particular stands out. Daddy brings his little Princess a new pink dress, who immediatly goes to try it one. Turning his back to give her some privacy, Lola immediately tells him not to, she wants him to see how she looks. Pay special attention to the Father. He doesn’t want to look, because he knows that as a man, watching his daughter change is not something he should be doing. He seems disgusted with himself…on the other hand, he cannot help but look and enjoy what he sees. His daughter is blossoming into a very beautiful young woman, and he does love her so very much… For a brief instant we catch a glimpse of Lolas face in the mirror, she is fully aware of what she’s doing. She enjoys teasing him. Now with dress on, and the incestuous tease completed, she turns around, and her father remarks with Paternal pride welling up in his eyes: “Pretty as a Picture”. The scene manages to be simultaneously sweet, disturbing, and somewhat arousing.

A question I can’t help but wonder is: What would have happened if Brent, or anyone for that matter, had returned Lola’s affections? Would they have dated without incident? would it still have descended into violence? I wonder mainly because even with knowing of Lolas instability and violent predilection, had she asked me out, I would have happily agreed. “Yes. yes, you crazy, sexy bitch…i will go to the dance with you! I want to be your love slave!”  Not out of any fear of what she might do to me, but to be a willing participant. I have problems…I’ve seen this film more times than i can count over a period of around 2 years, and it still packs the same punch it did upon first viewing. I recommend it to everyone i know, and anyone who might read this as well.

8.5/10 Tombstones


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