Will readings in the Rue Morgue

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The Feature film debut from Rue Morgue Magazine founder Rodrigo Gudino has a mouthful of a title. The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh. How very Toronto of him. Prick. Honestly, I liked the film. It concerns an Antiques Dealer named Leon who inherits all the possessions of his estranged mother, Rosalind, following her recent death. Upon entering her home, he finds that his mother has filled her home with antiquities and religious iconography, most of which was purchased in secret from Leon himself. As night sets in, Leon begins to feel a sinister presence in the house with him, hears whispering voices and the creaks and groans of the old house. It’s an interesting narrative, as we hear the voice of Rosalind, as if reading a letter to Leon, but as time goes on, it becomes clear she is communicating from beyond the grave. Can he hear her? What is it that scratches behind the doors and peers at Leon in the dark? What is the story with the bizarre Angel worshiping cult that Rosalind was caught up in? Is any of the supernatural activity really happening, or is it all in his mind? These questions are never answered fully, but just enough is given to us to allow us to speculate and form our own opinions. Leon(Aaron Pool) is the only character we see on screen for the entire duration of the film, with the exception of on-screen video viewing. Even when two creepy Neighbors come knocking at the door, we never see them, We just see Leon open the door, lean out, and talk to them. In a lot of ways, it’s almost as if we are seeing the film through the eyes of a spirit that is unable to leave the house. The pacing is slow and deliberate, echoing many religious horror films of yesteryear. It becomes very easy to feel the house almost as a living character, oppressive, and lonely, further entrenching the slow burn creepiness of this film. If you are going to watch this film, i recommend watching it alone, in a dark room, with no distractions, so you can truly appreciate what Rosalind is trying to tell us.

 

6/10 creepy Angel Statues

It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

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This Halloween will see the return of my #31DaysOfHorror Project, in which I will watch and review a horror film for every day all October. I’ll Post updates frequently, but they may not come on a daily basis. This year I’ll be keeping with a theme: No films made after 1989! This is strictly for the classics!

I welcome any and all suggestions and requests of what I should review, so feel free to contact me. I have a suspicion that the spam filters on wordpress are filtering more than they should, so in lieu of leaving comments here, please send them to :

doctor_havok@live.com

I welcome pretty much anything you wanna send me, especially nudes from Large Breasted ladies with Daddy issues.

The Perfect Storm…WITH TEETH!

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“This movie doesn’t know it can’t do that” – Anthony C. Ferrante(Director)

Syfy channel has a long history of commissioning hilariously bad original films (Jersey Shore Shark Attack, Rage of the Yeti, Swamp Devil, to name a few. All of which are enjoyable if you like laughing at shitty movies…and I do), as does a plucky little Production company called The Asylum, who is particularly known for producing low-budget knock offs of popular films (Paranormal Entity, Mega Python vs Gatoroid, Two Headed Shark Attack, Nazis at The Center of the Earth. Wonderful, wonderful trash!) These two have teamed up several times before and the results are always great fun, but NOBODY could have anticipated the phenomenon that Sharknado would become. The tagline is “Nuff said” and it sums everything up perfectly. Plot? Not important. Continuity? Never touch the stuff. Physics? Ha! Fuck Physics! To anyone who hasn’t seen Sharknado yet, yes. It’s EXACTLY what it sounds like. try not to think about it too hard, and just enjoy the ride. First airing on Syfy on July 11, it was never intended to be a success. It was intended to be a silly, fun movie. Only about 1.37 million viewers saw the premiere, down from the average 1.5 million viewers for Syfy original films, and that is where it likely would have ended. But then the Internet took over.

Virtually overnight, Sharknado (or #SharkNado) was trending on Twitter, and it seemed like virtually everyone was talking about it. I seem to recall reading a statistic that within the first 24hrs, 1.37 million people had seen the film, but over 10 million were talking about it. This led to the film being aired several more times, with viewership dramatically increasing each time, leading it to be the most viewed Syfy original film of all time. Not bad for a concept that was born from a throw-away line about a terrible News headline in a film called Red Clover (more details here: http://www.dreadcentral.com/news/69078/first-sharknado-sighting-flick-red-clover-finally-coming-dvd). Before anyone knew it, this weird little gem was announced for special theatrical dates.

Last night I attended one such screening, held at The Rio on Broadway (for further proof that the Rio rocks, Tonight they are screening Spice World, and on Friday, The Dark Crystal. Yeah…if you live in the Vancouver area, you NEED to become a Rio Regular). The Theater seats 420…really. It seats 420, and it was PACKED! a resounding success! A theater full of people having a great time as they cheered and clapped and laughed their asses off to a film is a truly special experience that is often lost on the Multiplex crowd. I had the pleasure of sitting next to my friend Mila for this screening. Having never seen the film herself, I was very eager to see and hear her reaction to the ridiculousness on screen. Pure joyous Bliss! I love when people get such pure enjoyment from a film. We even started a “THIS! IS! AWE! SOME!(clap-clap-clapclapclap)” chant.

After the film, we were treated to a Skype Q&A with the director, Anthony C. Ferrante. He was super humble, seemingly more blown away by the success of the film than anyone, and just tickled pink that so many people had packed into a theater to watch his movie. He called Sharknado “The movie that doesn’t know that It can’t do that”, by which he means, It was never supposed to become an internet sensation, never supposed to get a theatrical release, never supposed to generate a sequel…it can also refer to the complete abandonment of logic and laws of physics displayed in the film. You may have noticed that I haven’t discussed ANYTHING that happens in the film yet. In the words of Ferrante himself: “There’s a flood. And a storm. With Sharks. Don’t worry about it”

The Rio has announced ANOTHER screening of Sharknado on Aug 31 (search “SHARKNADO – Returns! August 31st All Ages (14A) at the Rio!” on Facebook for the event page), and i encourage everyone in the Vancouver area to attend! And keep a weather eye to the horizon for the sequel, slated to premier on Syfy Jul 2014. It’s title?

SHARKNADO 2: The Second One!

It’s Creepy, it’s Tooney, it’s really fuckin LOONEY!

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*Editors Note: This film was referred to me by Darrel, the totally rad proprietor of the equally rad Netherworld Collectibles( https://www.facebook.com/pages/Netherworld-Collectibles/447474701990897?ref=stream&hc_location=stream). Every time I go in to make a purchase, i wind up hanging out for a good chunk of time just shooting the shit. Fantastic store!*

 

Dear readers, take a moment to appreciate the poster for Evil Toons. Go ahead, I’ll wait…

Ok, now check out the trailer: http://youtu.be/J7othu6spYY

Yeah. Seriously! It’s EXACTLY as awesome as you think it is! Within the opening minutes of the film, David Carradine hangs himself! Holy Foreshadowing Batman! As soon as i saw him hang himself, I was officially in WTF territory, and laughing my ass off. Yes, I’m aware I’m a horrible person, Yes I know you love me anyway. MOVING ON!

The plot concerns a group of 4 pretty girls(well, 2 are good looking, the other two are pretty dull, but you can tell they are supposed to be hot), who are hired to clean up a spooky old house over the weekend in preparation for the new owners to move in. They are hired by the somewhat pervy Burt, played by Dick Miller(Gremlins, The Howling), and once inside the house, these dimwitted dames unwittingly unleash a somewhat ambiguous curse, reviving Gideon Fisk (Carradine), bringing on the unleashing of Cartoony Demons, blah blah blah… To be honest, the plot of this movie is pretty flimsy, and not really important. The film is a silly excuse to have a Cartoon demon molest and possess some porn stars who decided to test their acting chops. The girls (Jan, Terry, Roxanne and Megan) have cheesy dialogue with the worst delivery possible, but it’s forgivable because they are just going to get naked in about 5 minutes anyway. Seriously…for no real reason whatsoever, Roxanne(who you knew just HAD to be the Ho) starts stripping for the girls, and then trying to make the nerdy girl come out of her shell by stripping her! The whole,scene was about 10 seconds and 4 drinks away from an all girl orgy.

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Yeah, Thats what I said! The version I watched was on youtube, and in a stroke of brilliance, whoever edited the video added some trailers for other utterly shit films. This all reinforced my overall thoughts of the film. It’s stupid, it doesn’t make sense, but it is fun as hell, and I have been in a great mood ever since! Below is the video with trailer, I hope you all give it a look. On a side note, Why are there no more sluts named Roxanne? We need to bring that back!

The Rob Bottin Drinking Game

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Recently, I had the pleasure of attending a double feature at the Rio Theater hosted by FX Guru, Todd Masters, and Jen & Sylvia Soska. The films featured that night were John Carpenter’s The Thing, and Slither. Both chosen for their fantastic practical effects, as well as being crowd pleasers in their own right. Any night celebrating top notch visual effects will inevitably turn into a love fest for Rob Bottin, The genius behind The Thing, The Fog, The Howling, Legend, and many other films, and this night was no exception. The night’s festivities included a video made by two lovely little songstresses proclaiming their love and appreciation for Rob Bottin (Search Rob Bottin Song), a Skype Q&A session with one of Rob’s right hand men while working on The Thing (I’m sad to say his name escapes me), merch giveaways, doling out screen used props from Slither (Big ole slimey phallic parasites), we got to give Michael Rooker the finger (You had to be there) and a drinking game. Yes, a drinking game. The setup was, we were to all watch an interview with Rob, talking about a particular effect in The Thing, and drink every time Rob said “Yah-Know”. It was great, The Soskas even had signs they would hold up as our que to drink. I’m not adept enough to tell which Soska is which yet, so the pretty one held up a sigh that said “YAH-“, and in the same beat, the other pretty one would hold up a sign that said “KNOW”. Now, I had seen this interview before, and many like it. I know how much Rob Bottin says “Yah-Know”. I knew I was fucked. And I had Tequila. I’m not able to find a YouTube link to the interview in question, but if I’m not mistaken, it should be on the DVD release of The Thing.

I’ve since played the Rob Bottin drinking game on three other occasions. I am the undefeated champion.