My Sleigh Ride To Hell pt. 2 (Or, attack of the Yellow Bastards)

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This movie is why the rum is gone. Not content to leave the classic original as it was, the remake had to come along and take a huge tinsel filled shit all over the Black Christmas legacy. The film sets up the back story of Billy Lenz, a boy who was born with a rare liver disorder that turned his skin yellow…ok… Because of his condition, his mother is cruel and spiteful towards Billy. Further fueling this is her hatred of Billy’s Father, who loves Billy very much. Naturally, Mother dearest and her lover decide to kill Billy’s father and bury his body in the crawlspace, which Billy of course sees, prompting his mother to lock him in the attic. After failing to conceive a new child with her impotent drunk of a new man, Momma Lenz heads up to the attic to give Billy a ride. Nine months later, a new baby is born while her BrotherFather remains imprisoned in the attic.

I swear to god, I’m not making any of this up…somebody decided all this was necessary for Black Christmas to make sense. Eventually Billy breaks loose, acts a damn fool, gets all stabby and cuts Christmas cookies out of Mommy’s flesh.

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Years later he escapes from a mental hospital and returns to his family home to find it has been turned into a sorority house.

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No more spoilers, but the events that follow do their best to repurpose the best parts of the original film, and fall terribly short. Attempts to play up Christmas cliches makes the whole thing cringe-inducing…seriously, why does everyone in the film change their ringtone to a Christmas carol? Also, as evidenced by this film, everyone who works in a hospital is completely oblivious. When Billy escapes by wearing a Santa suit, nobody questions the horrid yellow skin, or makes the connection that an infamous yellow skinned killer is an inmate at the SAME FUCKING HOSPITAL!!! Or during the final scene, Billy is chasing the last survivor through the hospital in FULL VIEW of no less than 3 staff members who do NOTHING!!! “What’s that? Pretty blonde bitch getting slashed up? Fuck that! Not me! I got bedpans to change, yo!”

Fuck sakes…thats it, from now on, it’s just the good stuff!

Well…no…I plan on watching Silent Night Deadly Night part 2…so I guess “classics” is a better term.

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My Sleigh Ride To Hell vol 1 (Or: How to cope with Holiday Cheer)

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Right…so…I’m not really much of a Christmas kinda guy. I didn’t have any bad Christmas experiences as a kid, in fact despite our meager means, my family always managed to go above and beyond to make Christmas special for me. As I got older, I noticed I was losing my ability to stomach the Holiday season. I don’t know if it was disgust with the over commercialization, or the way people seem to lose their fucking minds during the season, or maybe it was because everyone and everything is just so fucking cheery that I can’t stand it!!!

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Thankfully, alcohol is natures perfect coping mechanism. So with a mug full of Boozy ‘Nog, and a twisted grim on my face, I’m diving headfirst into a batch of Christmas themed Horror flics! Since the holidays will see me back in Alberta with my family, I’m referring to the ordeal as my Sleigh Ride To Hell. Not that I don’t love my family, far from it…but all that Holiday cheer under one roof…i’ll need more than Boozey ‘Nog to get through it…I’ll need Holiday Horror films, preferably the kind that traumatize children.

First up: Santa’s Slay

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Wait, really? Aw fuck me! This isn’t going to traumatize anyone! The only reason to sit through this pile of shit is if you are a fan of pro wrestling, and you want to see Bill Goldberg dress as a jacked up Santa and kill people with wrestling moves… which sounds pretty sweet now that I think of it.

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The premise is that Santa is actually a demon, who after losing a bet with an angel, was forced to spread Holiday Cheer for a thousand years. But now, the thousand years are up…Santa’s on the loose…and he’s PISSED!!! The whole film is trite and trys to squeeze in as many Christmas gags as possible. How many does it squeeze in? All of them. This film plays more like a screwball comedy than it does a horror. The only real redeeming quality, is Fran Drescher gets set on fire in the opening minutes
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For those of you feeling drunk enough, find a link to the full film below.

Full Film: http://youtu.be/VL46fAxWztA

Lets Get NASTY: Bloody Moon, and The Boogeyman!

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Jesús Franco is primarily known for Directing both Low Budget horror films, and Sleazy Adult films. As you can imagine, several of these films would blur the line between the two. While Bloody Moon(1981) doesn’t go into outright pornographic territory, it does seem to have a certain…pornographer’s sensibilities. This German film is an oddly kinky, violent, disjointed mess. Depictions of attempted Rape, incest, a lone dick-slinger servicing a whole schools worth of nubile young ladies, are sandwiched between graphic and bloody murders which in and of themselves have their own sexual overtones.

Our story is centered around twins Manuela and Miguel. Manuela is pretty and popular, while Miguel is disfigured and creepy…but not so much as to stop his twin sister from having an incestuous relationship with him. (Before i go any further, i feel i must acknowledge something.  Wordpress allows me to track the terms people type into search engines  to find my blog, and the sheer number of views from people searching for incest related terms is staggering…and that was all from 1 post. I imagine my numbers will skyrocket now. Thank you, you warped bastards! I may even do a future piece just looking at some of the weird searches my creeps have entered…anyway, back to it!) One night, Manuela rejects Miguel and he retaliates by donning a Mickey Mouse Mask and attempting to trick a girl into having sex with him (I bet Disney LOVED this scene). When the girl fights him off, he brutally stabs her with a pair of scissors. Miguel then spends the next 5 years in a mental institution before being released into the care of his sister, who brings him back to live with her at the school she runs. The school is called Europe’s International Youth-Club Boarding School of Languages. No Joke. That is not an awkward translation…that’s what it’s actually supposed to be. On the train ride to this all Girls school, a pretty Brunette catches Miguel’s eye and he begins stalking her around campus. Miguel attempts to resume doing the dirty deed with his sister, who declines because people just don’t understand them, and says “Only if we could get rid of everyone, then things could go back to the way they were.”

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The pretty Brunette from the train, who we learn is named Angela, quickly becomes acclimated to her new school, making fast friends and being introduced Antonio, who all the girls fuck and rave about his skills. He’s a gardener…or something, i dunno, it really wasn’t important. When Angela’s friends start being killed of in sexually inventive ways (one is stabbed through the back, the blade exiting through her nipple, another is tied up(something she finds kinky) only for her head to be cut off with a table saw in an intensely bloody scene), nobody seems to notice it except for Angela. Everyone just assumes the girls are off fucking Antonio. Between The stalking of Miguel and the grisly murders of her friends, how long will it be before she reaches out to the school administrators? quite a damn while as it turns out, as she waits until the finale of the film where it all culminates in a ridiculously cheesy clusterfuck. Not literally…although with how weird the film is, a full on murder orgy wouldn’t surprise me.

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I kept a bunch of the hilarious details out, because this filth REALLY is worth it’s own look 😉

 

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The Boogeyman is the kind of film that i imagine had a troubled time going through production. I can’t help but think that the creative direction changed drastically during production and the result is a confusing film that suffers infinitely for it. The film begins with two young siblings who are spying on their mother as she prepares to have sex with her boyfriend. When the children are spotted by the couple, the young boy, Willy is tied to his bed, and Lacey is sternly told to go to bed. While it is not implicitly stated, we are left to assume this i s a regular occurrence. Lacy instead goes to the kitchen, and retrieves a large butcher knife to cut Willy free…but Willy decides to go all Michael Myers on us (complete with a POV style camera angle) and use the knife to kill his mothers boyfriend in brutal fashion. The murder is captured in the reflection of a mirror. Keep that in mind…it comes up again later *shakes head*

Years later, Lacey, now an adult is married with a young son and lives with her aunt and uncle on a farm. Willy also lives with them, but has not spoken a word since the night he killed his mother’s lover, and sometimes, Willy takes various knives from the kitchen and hides them in a drawer…cuz y’know…you never know when you might need to stab someone again, and apparently this family has so many knives, that they don’t notice the 15-20 that Willy is hording. After receiving a letter from their estranged mother, requesting to be allowed back into the lives of her children, Willy is visibly upset and wants no part of it, and Lacey begins to have strange dreams of an unseen figure tying her to a bed then stabbing her. Her Husband takes her to a shrink to confront her fears…neither of them making the connection that the clearly still traumatized Willy is the likely cause of these fears. At the urging of the shrink, Lacey and her husband decide to visit the home in which the murder occurred, only to find that the Mother has a new daughter, and a new son (apparently, as nobody makes the connection that Lacey is the estranged daughter, and it is seemingly glossed over). As Lacey and her husband tour the house under the premise of being prospective buyers, they find that the young boy likes to jump out and scare people while yelling “Boogeyman!”. Apparently the two times he did this were impactful enough to name the whole film after it. Now the next logical step would be for there to be a family re-union, and the unstable Willy goes on a bloody killing spree, as that is clearly what has been lead up to until now…but the film takes a bizarre twist and fucks everything up.

Lacey sees the reflection of her Mothers Murdered lover in the same mirror from that fateful night, and decides that screaming bloody murder and smashing the mirror with a chair is the way to go. The shards are cleaned up, all except for one, and Lacey’s husband takes the frame and shards home so he can re-assemble the mirror in an effort to show her that there was nothing there…uh-huh…meanwhile, Willy sees his reflection in a mirror and it causes him to nearly kill a girl who comes on to him (after he snaps out of it and lets her go, she runs off in tears, but strangely doesn’t call the police). His solution: paint every mirror black. Meanwhile, back at the old house, the one remaining shard glows red, apparently unleashing the vengeful spirit of the murdered lover, who kills all in the home.

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With me so far? The Mirror shards are evil and are out for vengence! Apparently just reflecting light from one of the shards onto a group of teens across the lake is enough to result in grisly murder from the unseen evil. We are treated to several shots of floating objects preparing to strike victims, horrible acting, and even a priest trying to dispell the evil. When the priest touches the shattered mirror, it’s officially go time, as a shard flies out and rests over Lacey’s right eye, seemingly possessing her and making the priest bleed from the head

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Ooooooooo…SPOOKY! Eventually they manage to destroy the evil shards all except one…which set up for a sequel…yes, this piece of shit generated a sequel! Honestly I have no idea why this film wound up on the Nasty list…maybe it was feared that anyone who watched it would become dumber…but since it’s nearly impossible to watch all the way through, i don’t think anyone needed to worry. There are two very distinct directions to the film, The traumatized boy growing up to continue the rampage, and creepy folklore about mirrors and what happens when they are broken. Both ideas would have been fine on their own, but when smashed together, fucking suck! And yeah…the title…I truly feel that title was used as either a Bait and switch strategy, or they literally had no better ideas.

Underground Terror In The Land Downunder

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The full film: http://youtu.be/wVQrozMTWlY

The Tunnel(2011) is a found footage film that is noted for it’s strategy.  In addition to its conventional modes of release, including a limited Australian theatrical release, screenings on Showtime Australia, and an Australian and New Zealand DVD release through Paramount Australia and Transmission Films, also released in North America in the theater and DVD by Blackrock Films, the film has garnered much attention for its unconventional release through Bit Torrent. Even the YouTube file I posted above states “This movie was meant to be free for everyone.” So in the spirit of this, please share this film with those you know.

The Tunnel is a found footage film about a young news reporter who is chasing a mysterious story, leading her, and a small film crew, into the abandoned tunnels beneath Sydney. As they explore the eerie catacombs, they gradually begin to suspect they are not alone, and what’s worse, they are surrounded in total darkness. often with found footage films one has to ask: “Why the fuck are they still filming?”. Here we see one of the most plausible reasons i’ve seen yet, in that they can only see by using the night vision setting on the camera. I really want to avoid giving any spoilers, since there is a fucking link to the full film just above… but also because this film is really worth taking a look for yourself. The setting is beautifully creepy and claustrophobic. You can feel the grime of the un-used tunnels as the crew winds their way through the labyrinth. In an environment made of Concrete and Steel, sound will play trick on you. Is that a shuffling sound from the next tunnel? or is it just the echo of our own footsteps? Anyone who has ever summoned their courage and ventured into a spooky location, be it the local haunted house, abandoned sewers, a graveyard, or even your own basement, knows the irrational terror that the experience can bring. But down in The Tunnel, the terror is real…and it’s creeping up to you in the dark.