My Sleigh Ride To Hell pt. 2 (Or, attack of the Yellow Bastards)

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This movie is why the rum is gone. Not content to leave the classic original as it was, the remake had to come along and take a huge tinsel filled shit all over the Black Christmas legacy. The film sets up the back story of Billy Lenz, a boy who was born with a rare liver disorder that turned his skin yellow…ok… Because of his condition, his mother is cruel and spiteful towards Billy. Further fueling this is her hatred of Billy’s Father, who loves Billy very much. Naturally, Mother dearest and her lover decide to kill Billy’s father and bury his body in the crawlspace, which Billy of course sees, prompting his mother to lock him in the attic. After failing to conceive a new child with her impotent drunk of a new man, Momma Lenz heads up to the attic to give Billy a ride. Nine months later, a new baby is born while her BrotherFather remains imprisoned in the attic.

I swear to god, I’m not making any of this up…somebody decided all this was necessary for Black Christmas to make sense. Eventually Billy breaks loose, acts a damn fool, gets all stabby and cuts Christmas cookies out of Mommy’s flesh.

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Years later he escapes from a mental hospital and returns to his family home to find it has been turned into a sorority house.

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No more spoilers, but the events that follow do their best to repurpose the best parts of the original film, and fall terribly short. Attempts to play up Christmas cliches makes the whole thing cringe-inducing…seriously, why does everyone in the film change their ringtone to a Christmas carol? Also, as evidenced by this film, everyone who works in a hospital is completely oblivious. When Billy escapes by wearing a Santa suit, nobody questions the horrid yellow skin, or makes the connection that an infamous yellow skinned killer is an inmate at the SAME FUCKING HOSPITAL!!! Or during the final scene, Billy is chasing the last survivor through the hospital in FULL VIEW of no less than 3 staff members who do NOTHING!!! “What’s that? Pretty blonde bitch getting slashed up? Fuck that! Not me! I got bedpans to change, yo!”

Fuck sakes…thats it, from now on, it’s just the good stuff!

Well…no…I plan on watching Silent Night Deadly Night part 2…so I guess “classics” is a better term.

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