My Sleigh Ride To Hell pt:4 (Or, Fuck Chritmas)

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What’s worse than Christmas? It’s not the hangover that follows… Nope, It’s having to re-watch one of the films in your list because no matter what, you just can’t remember the fucking thing, even when sober.

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A pointless remake that nobody asked for manages to cock up nearly everything in the film, while adding more sleaze and retaining none of the charm of the original. This time we have an faceless Santa who gets right to work killing people in the opening moments. He’s set up a bizarre Holiday Electric Chair that uses Christmas lights as both restraints, and as a means of roasting his victim. Inventive, yes, but it feels like a low rent Jigsaw. The first moment that made me scratch my head is when Santa makes his disguise. He chooses to wear one of those plastic masks that is nearly transparent but has expressions painted on. Creepy, right? He then cuts the bottom of the mask off just below the nose, puts it on, then puts the Santa beard on over top. What the fuck was the point of removing the bottom if he was just going to cover it up anyway? Fuck sakes… *pulls out flask and takes a long pull*

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The killer stalks around a sleepy little town that has fallen on hard times, and somehow the Santa knows what everyone has done wrong…it’s never explained how he knew how much of a snotty cunt that little girl was, or that Porn was being filmed in that Hotel room, but somehow he just knows! He sees you when your sleeping…he knows when you’re awa…aw fuck it! The film clearly tries very hard to be engageing to the modern audience by ramping up the violence and brutality from the previous film, but overall the film lacks depth. Aside from the scene where Santa stuffs a nearly naked porn actress into a wood chipper, the film is almost unwatchable. Only Malcolm McDowell can save it!

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Yes, good ole Alex 6Double5321, is the Towns Sheriff! While inept as all small town Sheriffs are in horror movies, he feels compelled to deliver bizarre one-liners that aren’t particularly memorable, nor do they make sense. It’s impossible for me to hate anything this guy does. The other hidden gem is when one of the Deputies references one of my favorite moments in cinema history. As he takes out the trash from the Sheriffs office, he grumbles “What is this? Garbage Day?” A few other references to the original are slipped in, but it’s just not the same. It’s like hearing some one sing a Meatloaf song for karaoke, The original may be cheesy and fun, but when anyone else tries to do the same thing, it’s just lame.  Overall, this movie is pretty bad, even by my standards, and just doesn’t need to exist.

Well, it’s only fitting that I finish this lil series off by delving into a true classic of the genre: Black Christmas (the good one)

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Released in 1974, Black Christmas predated the slasher boom of the 80s and along with John Carpenters Halloween, served as a template for the genre. The plot is simplistic enough, depicting a sorority house full of girls who receive obscene and harassing phone calls from a maniac who unbeknownst to them, is hiding out in their attic and stalks them in secret. The film is partially based on popular Urban Legends of the time, most notably “The Babysitter and the Man Upstairs”, and contains the now famous cliche “The calls are coming from inside the house!”

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What i find most interesting about this film is that despite a very simplistic plot, it still brings a seriousness to its delivery that would often be lacking from later day slashers. We have pregnancy conflict, Red Herrings, Characters developed quickly and effectively, and a lack of real gore, leaving the real terror to our imagination. The ending also is possibly the most frightening of all, almost to say that “You are never really safe, the Monster will always come for you”.

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Even though the season is well and truly over, don’t let that stop you from watching this gem. Sure, it’s very dated, but Black Christmas really does stand as a true classic of the Slasher genre, and has helped set the tone for hundreds of films that followed. One of the films that was heavily influenced by Black Christmas, was Friday the 13th…keep your eyes on this page as very soon you’ll see my film by film breakdown of the Friday the 13th Franchise!

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My Sleigh Ride To Hell pt. 3 (Or: Sifting through the drunken writings of a Drug Fiend)

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Well, apparently i overdid it a bit. In my quest to review Christmas horror films while drunk, I thought i had gotten so drunk that i forgot about the project all together, but after a few days of sobriety, i have determined that i DID watch the rest of the films on my list, and had written some semblance of a review. I say semblance, because most of it is nearly illegible as i decided to write them on napkins, my writing is even more fucked than usual, and I’m pretty sure at one point, i was high on laughing gas! More on that later…I’ll try to make this work.

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SNDN opens with Billy, his infant brother, and his parents are on a Christmas Eve roadtrip to visit his catatonic Grandfather. While the parents step into a private room to speak with one of the Doctors, Ol’ Gramps turns his head and cryptically warms Billy that “Christmas Eve is the scariest Night of the year” and that Santa comes to punish anyone who hasn’t been good ALL YEAR. Holy fuck dude! Grampa is an asshole! Is he referring to the ancient Germanic legend of the Krampus? Are these the ramblings of a demented old man? Is this temporary break from Catatonia just a figment of Billy’s imagination fueled by the irrational fear of Santa Claus that many children have? Or is Grampa just a giant prick who is faking it all and likes scaring little kids? Who can say? All we know is that the family leaves for the long drive home with Billy scared shitless about Santa. Even going so far as to be upset that his Mommy said a bad word, fearing Santa will punish her too! Poor lil scamp…could it get any worse? Yes it could. and it does. Seems that close by, some lowlife in a Santa suit holds up a convenience store and shoots the clerk. After his car breaks down, Billy’s family happens to stop and offer Santa a ride, despite Billy’s loud protests. Naturally Santa tries to jack the car, but then settles for brutally murdering the parents in front of Billy who flees the crash. Fast forward a few years, and Billy and his lil bro are living in an Orphanage run by sadistic nuns. Well, not really…just one Mother Superior who has a hard-on for Dicipline and believes that punishment is absolute, and neccesary. couple this with the lingering Yule trauma Billy manifests every year, and we pretty much know he’s either going to be heavily into BDSM or become a mass murderer.

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Aw fuck, he became a murderer! The BDSM thing would have also made an interesting film.  After being talked into portraying Santa at the toystore he works at, Billy starts unravelling until he finally snapps and stalks around town punishing those he feels have been naughty. We know this is his motivation because he keeps yelling out “PUNISH” and “NAUGHTY”…y’know, just in case the complex plot turns had us confused.  As silly as some aspects are, this film has a lot more depth than your average slasher, not only in the back story of the killer, but in how we can empathize with him and what he is doing. Also of note is that there was a Parent Group who decided to take heat with the film after seeing the trailer and deciding that the idea of a Killer Santa was too traumatic for their children and as such that NOBODY’s children should watch it. They fought to have the film pulled from theaters, but were unsuccesful.  Siskel and Ebbert hated it, but fuck those uptight cunts!

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and of course, Linnea Quigley showed up just to get naked and die horribly. I fucking miss the 80s!

Moving right along to…

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Now,  my notes get a little sloppy here, because apparently i got even sloppier. All there is is a bunch of scribbles then i wrote across the whole page: “GAAAAAARBAGE DAAAAY”. Sounds about right…also about this time i had discovered my parents had one of those pro level whipped cream dispensers that takes cartridges of Nitrous Oxide. So naturally I helped myself to a few canisters. If you’ve ever huffed nitrous oxide, it tends to make you feel fuzzy and floaty, but if you do enough of it, you’ll pass out…but not before behaving like an excited retard and yelling out “ANG-ANG-ANG-ANG-AAAAAANG!!!”

If you’ve ever seen SNDN pt 2, you’ll know they make liberal use of footage from the first film. I mean they take literally every bit of important footage and re-use it. The story follows Billys little brother Rickyas he recounts the events of the first film as if he was there for them, when he clearly wasn’t. All this is to set up the fact that lil Ricky is now CRAY-ZEEEH! He goes on a murderous Rampage complete with awkward dialogue and a horrible villain laugh.

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Infact, just watch this clip…it illustrates the only merit the film has at all: http://youtu.be/O5CtOCZxrpc

When Ricky turns his murderous rage towards the punishment happy Mother Superior from the first film, We find that for some reason she has some new horrible facial disfigurement…I guess that’s ONE way to try and hide the fact that Lilyan Chauvin couldn’t be secured to reprise the role…

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Now here’s the really weird part…As bad as this sequel is…it was followed by 3 more! Part 3: You Better Watch Out, Part 4: Initiation, and Part 5: The ToyMaker. I haven’t seen any of these yet, but i feel a terrible compulsion to seek them out…and i’ll probly watch them while fucked up as well. It’s a thing now.

 

I have 4 more films left in the series, and i debated putting everything in 1 big post…but I’m way lazier than that. So stay tuned…or logged…or whatever…

 

NEW POSTS COMING SOON!