My Sleigh Ride To Hell pt. 3 (Or: Sifting through the drunken writings of a Drug Fiend)

Well, apparently i overdid it a bit. In my quest to review Christmas horror films while drunk, I thought i had gotten so drunk that i forgot about the project all together, but after a few days of sobriety, i have determined that i DID watch the rest of the films on my list, and had written some semblance of a review. I say semblance, because most of it is nearly illegible as i decided to write them on napkins, my writing is even more fucked than usual, and I’m pretty sure at one point, i was high on laughing gas! More on that later…I’ll try to make this work.

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SNDN opens with Billy, his infant brother, and his parents are on a Christmas Eve roadtrip to visit his catatonic Grandfather. While the parents step into a private room to speak with one of the Doctors, Ol’ Gramps turns his head and cryptically warms Billy that “Christmas Eve is the scariest Night of the year” and that Santa comes to punish anyone who hasn’t been good ALL YEAR. Holy fuck dude! Grampa is an asshole! Is he referring to the ancient Germanic legend of the Krampus? Are these the ramblings of a demented old man? Is this temporary break from Catatonia just a figment of Billy’s imagination fueled by the irrational fear of Santa Claus that many children have? Or is Grampa just a giant prick who is faking it all and likes scaring little kids? Who can say? All we know is that the family leaves for the long drive home with Billy scared shitless about Santa. Even going so far as to be upset that his Mommy said a bad word, fearing Santa will punish her too! Poor lil scamp…could it get any worse? Yes it could. and it does. Seems that close by, some lowlife in a Santa suit holds up a convenience store and shoots the clerk. After his car breaks down, Billy’s family happens to stop and offer Santa a ride, despite Billy’s loud protests. Naturally Santa tries to jack the car, but then settles for brutally murdering the parents in front of Billy who flees the crash. Fast forward a few years, and Billy and his lil bro are living in an Orphanage run by sadistic nuns. Well, not really…just one Mother Superior who has a hard-on for Dicipline and believes that punishment is absolute, and neccesary. couple this with the lingering Yule trauma Billy manifests every year, and we pretty much know he’s either going to be heavily into BDSM or become a mass murderer.

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Aw fuck, he became a murderer! The BDSM thing would have also made an interesting film.  After being talked into portraying Santa at the toystore he works at, Billy starts unravelling until he finally snapps and stalks around town punishing those he feels have been naughty. We know this is his motivation because he keeps yelling out “PUNISH” and “NAUGHTY”…y’know, just in case the complex plot turns had us confused.  As silly as some aspects are, this film has a lot more depth than your average slasher, not only in the back story of the killer, but in how we can empathize with him and what he is doing. Also of note is that there was a Parent Group who decided to take heat with the film after seeing the trailer and deciding that the idea of a Killer Santa was too traumatic for their children and as such that NOBODY’s children should watch it. They fought to have the film pulled from theaters, but were unsuccesful.  Siskel and Ebbert hated it, but fuck those uptight cunts!

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and of course, Linnea Quigley showed up just to get naked and die horribly. I fucking miss the 80s!

Moving right along to…

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Now,  my notes get a little sloppy here, because apparently i got even sloppier. All there is is a bunch of scribbles then i wrote across the whole page: “GAAAAAARBAGE DAAAAY”. Sounds about right…also about this time i had discovered my parents had one of those pro level whipped cream dispensers that takes cartridges of Nitrous Oxide. So naturally I helped myself to a few canisters. If you’ve ever huffed nitrous oxide, it tends to make you feel fuzzy and floaty, but if you do enough of it, you’ll pass out…but not before behaving like an excited retard and yelling out “ANG-ANG-ANG-ANG-AAAAAANG!!!”

If you’ve ever seen SNDN pt 2, you’ll know they make liberal use of footage from the first film. I mean they take literally every bit of important footage and re-use it. The story follows Billys little brother Rickyas he recounts the events of the first film as if he was there for them, when he clearly wasn’t. All this is to set up the fact that lil Ricky is now CRAY-ZEEEH! He goes on a murderous Rampage complete with awkward dialogue and a horrible villain laugh.

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Infact, just watch this clip…it illustrates the only merit the film has at all: http://youtu.be/O5CtOCZxrpc

When Ricky turns his murderous rage towards the punishment happy Mother Superior from the first film, We find that for some reason she has some new horrible facial disfigurement…I guess that’s ONE way to try and hide the fact that Lilyan Chauvin couldn’t be secured to reprise the role…

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Now here’s the really weird part…As bad as this sequel is…it was followed by 3 more! Part 3: You Better Watch Out, Part 4: Initiation, and Part 5: The ToyMaker. I haven’t seen any of these yet, but i feel a terrible compulsion to seek them out…and i’ll probly watch them while fucked up as well. It’s a thing now.

 

I have 4 more films left in the series, and i debated putting everything in 1 big post…but I’m way lazier than that. So stay tuned…or logged…or whatever…

 

NEW POSTS COMING SOON!

 

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