I was a Monster Kid. Shouldn’t come as any kind of surprise…And to every Monster Kid growing up in the 80s and 90s, there was no movie cooler than Monster Squad! Imagine if all the classic Monsters showed up in Suburbia to wreak havoc, and the only ones who can stop them are a group of wise-assed, swearing(sort of) adolescents. What Monster Kid wouldn’t go nuts for this?
The film centers around a group of friends who have a Monster Club, and by that virtue alone are thrust right into the center of a centuries old conflict between the forces of good and evil. De Facto leader, Sean is gifted an old book by his Mother…and it just so happens to be the Diary of Abraham Van Helsing…which she bought at a fucking Garage sale! About this time, Dracula literally mails himself and Frankenstein to Sean’s town (Eightiesville?), where they meet up with a Werewolf, a Mummy from the museum awakens to join them, and a fucking Gillman just happens to be living in the local waterways. After overhearing his cop dad talking about reports of a Werewolf, and a missing Mummy, Sean notices his mom has left a note saying someone named Mr. Alucard(read it backwards), called about the Book. OK…so a few things are sticking out for me right now. How the fuck did Dracula know Sean had the book? When did Dracula learn proper telephone etiquette, let alone how to use a goddamn phone? Why the actual fuck would he use such an obvious alias? And why…OH FUCKING WHY…does Dracula look the way he does? He doesn’t look like Dracula. He looks like somebody’s bad-joke cracking Dentist who thought it would be a hoot to dress as Dracula for Halloween. Maybe this movie isn’t quite as awesome as I remembered it.
Anyway, Sean calls a Monster Club meeting to inform the rest of the kids of his suspicions and to formally name their group The Monster Squad. They decide to visit the local Scary German Guy to get help translating the diary. They learn that there is a mystic medallion thingy that keeps the balance between good and evil, and once every 100 years, the amulet can be destroyed. If Dracula can get ahold of the Amulet (and he does, it was hidden in the basement of some creepy house), He and his Creatures of the Night will be able to rule the world and Blah Blah Blah…Fuck!
I’m not sure if it’s just that I’m still full of Piss and Vinegar over the questionable use of the Universal Monsters, or if this film hasn’t aged well or what. Did I just never notice these flaws before? Or did I overlook them simply because this is a Monster Movie. How often have I forgiven or even praised a truly awful film, simply because they were Horror films? Am I such a slave to the genre that I’ll forgive anything?
So, the Squad rounds up supplies to fight Monsters, prints up business cards, and sends a crayon written note to the US military (Army Guys)asking for help. Along the way, Sean’s little sister Phoebe makes friends with Frankenstein’s Monster proving once and for all that the creature was always just a big softy. On the big night, the boys sneak into Dracula’s lair, kick Wolfman in the Nards, steal the amulet and rope a few virgins into reciting a spell that will propel the Monsters into Limbo. Finally the film starts to pick back up! Fat Kid and Rudy are the real hero’s as between the two of them, they take out The Mummy, 3 Vamp bitches, The Gillman, and the Wolfman! The details of exactly how they do it, I’ll leave for you to see.
Fuck it, I changed my mind. This Movie does hold up. In fact, it still kicks ass! The effects are pretty decent, but in more of a Halloween party sort of way. It’s funny, insane, totally saturated in the 80’s, has completely unnecessary gun play, foulmouthed kids, and Iconic Movie monsters! Sure, the film has lots of flaws, but then again so does just about EVERYTHING in the genre. If you’ll permit me to get philosophical for a minute…we’re all Misfits. Each one of us is weird, broken, or “flawed” in our own way. Sometimes it’s the flaws that make us so wonderful and unique. So there we have it, That’s the Monster Squad, and that concludes the 2014 edition of #31DaysOfHorror. As weird as it may sound, after all that I feel somewhat renewed. I have plenty of new ideas, and plans to expand my output and content with Audio and Video. The Documentary I was a part of, called Retail Of The Darkest Kind should be available for download soon, and I have a few other surprises up my sleeve. Thanks for reading!
Retail of the Darkest Kind Trailer: http://youtu.be/EkRoyjo4bjQ