Mutant Clusterfuck

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Right, So awhile back i received an email from a chap who’s name I’ve forgotten and am far too lazy to look up, nor do i care to shame the man. He asked if i would be interested in reviewing a film he had been a part of creating, called Mutantis. He described it as an “old School Horror-Comedy/Sci-Fi gorefest”. It sounded promising enough, so I agreed and provided my address for a screener copy to be sent. Months went by and no DVD, and when i made attempts to contact this chap and inquire, I got no response.  I had resigned myself to selecting something else that had been emailed to me by readers, but due to an email mishap, any and all fan submissions were lost. Fuck! Still the spectre of Mutantis lived on…so much so that my Girlfriend ordered the damn thing from Amazon, because she HAD to see it. I feel I need to say that I’m not mad at this afore mentioned chap, maybe a bit annoyed, but thats the way shit goes. At the end of the day I can’t complain about not receiving something for free, so I just need to assume that he didn’t give a fuck. So, Amazon comes through, we watch it that very same night…and it becomes painfully clear that NOBODY involved with this film gave any fucks at all.

Go ahead and watch the trailer…not only does it paint an accurate depiction of the film, but this brief glimpse is actually far more watchable than the film itself. Lord knows I am a fan of Campy Retro Horror films, and even the wave of modern homages flooding the market…but this is just too much. Far too often will I see a newer film trying to pay tribute to the cheesy gems of old by intentionally making a shitty movie, but they are missing the point! For the most part, filmmakers were trying to make the best film possible with their meager means, or had accepted the fact that their budget wouldn’t allow for much, so just had fun with it. Mutantis can only be explained as the filmmakers getting together a very small budget, and TRYING to make the shittiest film possible. The costumes are worse than the Peace River High School Drama Department(Highschool shout-out!), the acting is ridiculous, almost every actor is in bad drag for no reason, characters are played by multiple actors again for no reason, and all the dialogue is horribly dubbed in the most annoying way possible. Everything about the movie is designed to suck. There are poorly focused shots, heads out of frame, dialog exposition, colour grading issues, etc. Whatever can be done badly, has been done badly.

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Mutantis itself looks appropriately crap, a throwback to the creature features of yesteryear. I’m reminded of the classic “It Conquered The Earth”. Nothing that looks like this can be taken seriously. The whole thing is laughable, and damn it all, i did get some laughs out of the film. Props to the writers for the inventive kills Mutantis enacts on its victims. Penis dismemberment, death by extreme fellatio, cunnilingual face mastication, titty chopping, this film has it all covered. Sure the FX are amateurish and cheap, but at least it’s not CGI (No way they could have afforded CGI gore…)and it’s quite gruesome and rather funny. You have not lived until you see a man die from an explosion of semen pouring out of his eye sockets and a giant monster penis bursting out the back of his head, let me tell you.

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How do I feel about this movie? It’s harmless I suppose…at least it KNOWS it’s crap and doesn’t pretend to be anything else. I’ve recommended it to a few friends, but even then it was pretty much in a “Troll2” kind of way. Since the bar was set so alarmingly low for this film, it was easy for the filmmakers to achieve what they set out to do, so as long as you can keep your expectations similarly low, then this may be worth checking out.

42nd Street Forever! Bring back the GRINDHOUSE!

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Did you see 2007s Grindhouse in the theater?  I hope to fuck that you did. Im not sure how many times i went, but I know it was more than 3, less than 7…so lets say 5. the last 3 times were at the departed Granville 7 cinema. You had to see this place, i never saw more than 20 people show up for any screening, so the place always felt nearly deserted. it was dark, creepy, and felt seedy. Located at a spot downtown that could be either skeevy or decadent, depending on which way the wind was blowing, I don’t think anyone who entered Granville 7 was ever in any real danger of being mugged or raped, but there was that subtle vibe all the same…

 

This did wonders for the viewing experience! Here I was, paying very little money to watch a double bill of Violence, Gore, Sadism and Thrills, complete with shitty image quality, and ridiculous trailers for films that if they existed, i HAD to see! Sadly, this is as close as i would ever get to the Grindhouses of New Yorks 42nd street. Actually, that isn’t true, Vancouver still had The Fox Cinema, a XXX theater institution on Main Street. I had gone to the Fox several times, and soaked in(figuratively speaking at least…literally speaking was always a risk you took) the spectacle and the sleaziness of it all. On any given occasion, you could see what looked like deranged 80’s time travelling hookers nodding off in the seats and benches, creepy dudes doing their best Joe Spinelli in Maniac impression, shifty looking dealers offering even shiftier looking drugs, The occasional public display of fucking by patrons…which sometimes had other patrons lining up for their turn. And of course there was the gay cruising. Apparently there was a whole system of etiquette and codes associated with this, something about which rows you sat in and changing rows to express interest…I dunno, I found that if anybody made me any kind of offer i didn’t want, a simple “Fuck Off”, was enough to get them to leave me alone. Why would anyone other than a dedicated pervert (no shame, perv hard!) venture into this place? For the experience. Sure it was dirty, and skeevy and you can’t imagine what the fucking bathroom smelled like, but it had that element of danger that I crave in cinema.

 

Back to the topic at hand, Tarantino and Rodriguez gave me, and presumably others, a taste of something magical we had only heard about, knowing it was long gone and never to return. We wanted more! Why not a film showcasing franchise jumping Sheriff Earl McGraw? Maybe the Backstory of El Wray, that was only hinted at in Planet Terror? What about those incredible fucking trailers? Machete, Werewolf Women of the SS, Don’t, and Thanksgiving had me more excited for upcoming(?) films than i had been in years! Over the years since, I had heard various reports that these films may one day see the light of day. We saw Machete, which i felt lived up to expectations but i would have enjoyed more if it had a more degraded film look and DID NOT use a body double for the Lindsay Lohan nude scenes. We also saw the release of Hobo With A Shotgun, which started as a contest winning fake trailer, tacked on to later screenings of Grindhouse. Since then, there have been several new films that seem intent on capitalising on renewed interest in grindhouse style films. Astron 6 pretty much owes their careers to Grindhouse with releases like Fathers Day, Man-Borg, and The Editor. Other modern gems such as Dear God, No!, and Run Bitch, Run! bring the goods and wrap them in a vintage grimy package…there are tons more, keep your ears and your eyes open.

 

Im currently in talks with several other like minded fellows to put together a proposal and acquire sponsors to rent local theaters with a certain “Charm” to host regular Grindhouse nights, complete with trailers, double bills, buckets of bodily fluids and every manner of chills and thrills imaginable. We’ll never be able to go back to the Glory days of old, sensibilities have changed, and the world of Cinema has moved on. Grindhouse Cinema died young, left a ragged but slutty looking corpse, and was buried by the mainstream. But dammit, we might be able to bring it back for a few nights at a time. It won’t be easy, but if enough of us demand it, then our voices will be heard by someone determined to make a buck off of us. Don’t get me wrong, the Multiplex and Blu Rays might be enough for the majority…but it’s not enough for me. I want my films to be dangerous again. I want an Exploitation Explosion! I want a new rise of the Nasties! I want to go back to the Grindhouse.

 

 

 

#31DaysOfHorror: Oct 18

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And so, we come to the third and final film in the Gates of Hell Trilogy, and as is becoming a trend with the films I review, I fucking hate the small child in this film! I can’t decide if I hate his face, his horribly dubbed voice, or his horrible portrayal/dialogue the most. Don’t get me wrong…I normally like kids. But stupid children in Horror films just really seem to piss me off lately. Every time this little shit said or did anything, I found myself yelling at the screen. “Shut the fuck up Bob! With your stupid little haircut and your dumb face!” , or “Fuck you Bob! Making those stupid truck driving noises with your mouth! You’re not cool, you little asshole!” Seriously. Fuck that little blonde haired git.

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Now then, I suppose I should talk about the film a little bit, huh? Lucio Fulci is in fine form once again, crafting a film that is more accessible than The Beyond, but still rife with chilling atmosphere. And of course, the gore we’ve come to expect is still there as well, however this outing felt a bit more restrained and effectively used…Except for the bat-killing thing. That took way too long and used so damn much blood that it became hilarious.

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The plot concerns the Boyle family, Paul and Lucy with young son Bob (FUCK YOU BOB!!!!!!), who move to Massachusetts so Paul can complete the work of a deceased professor who met a somewhat shady end. The move into Oak Mansion, the last home of the late professor, though the locals know it as “the Freudstein place”. Strange occurrences and ominous presences about as it becomes more clear that something sinister took place within these walls…and may still lurk within. That’s it! No spoilers! This is another must-see film directed by a Master of Horror!

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As with the two previous films in the trilogy, the atmosphere is creepy as hell and has a surreal, dreamlike quality. There are a few plot-holes, but nothing so large as to derail the film. One of the best scenes of the film should reinforce a fear of basements for any child who dares to watch the film…but it also depicts Bob in mortal danger and scared out of his mind. Naturally, its my favorite part. No Halloween Horror marathon should do without the Gates Of Hell Trilogy!

Lets get NASTY: Cannibal Ferox(81) and Cannibal Holocaust(80)

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There have been a few entries on the Nasty list, where i genuinely have no idea why they were included. Often it’s something that came along at the wrong time and pissed off the wrong stuffy Englishman, and thus found itself banned. Not the case with these two entries. They are the epitome of the word NASTY!

Cannibal Ferox (aka, Make Them Die Slowly), was released uncut on video in the UK via a group called Replay. Almost immediately the film came under fire for it’s scenes of extreme violence and sadism, as well as scenes of real animal torture and slaughter. It’s one thing to harshly depict rape and murder against humans, but don’t you DARE harm any of those cute lil fuzzy-wuzzies! Straight to the Nasties list with you!

Similarly, Cannibal Holocaust was released to instant infamy in 1981. With its reputation of Animal mutilation, rape, and torture coupled with a narrative style that has the audience almost believing the on screen carnage is real, it comes as no surprise that CH was successfully banned and prosecuted. In addition to obscenity charges, Director Ruggero Deodato was charged with Murder due to audiences being so convinced the on-screen deaths were real. After calling the supposedly dead actors as witnesses, the charges were understandably dropped, yet Deodato was still prosecuted for Animal Cruelty.

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After watching both of these films back to back, (BTW, don’t fucking do that. For serious.) it becomes pretty obvious that the two films are nearly identical in many respects. The plot of both films is virtually the same, that being a small group of Americans travel deep into the Amazon to study/document the supposed savages that reside there. The Americans torture/rape/push the Natives too far, prompting an intensely violent response, revealing that The Americans were in fact the true savages. Yet despite these nearly identical themes, both films take vastly different approaches to getting there. With it’s proto-found-footage format, and hyper-realism, CH also juggles a narrative dealing with the Medias obsession with violence and sensationalism, and the moral debate of just how far to go. All of the “recovered footage” in the film is filmed in a shaky style that really gives the impression of a handheld camera balanced on a shoulder, and really does look like unedited documentary style footage. Taking it’s cues from the popular Mondo films of the era(Look up what Mondo films are…I may end up doing a feature on them someday), CH paints a grim picture for the audience, that of a culture so motivated by their own entertainment…their own pursuit of thrills that it has left behind all of it’s civility. More than that, it holds up a mirror and lets us see a reflection of the damage that we, in our arrogance, visit upon those “less civilized than ourselves”. Social Commentary masquerading as an Exploitation film.

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Cannibal Ferox, on the other hand is an unabashed Exploitation Film hiding behind the shadow of Cannibal Holocaust. Gone is the Social Commentary, save for the general notion that “Civilized Man” is really just a giant asshole. In it’s place is a film that strives to hit all the same marks as Cannibal Holocaust, and up the sleaze while doing it. What i noticed right away is an incredibly Misogynistic streak through the film. Every female character in the film finds herself the victim of violence, is frequently called a Twat, or suffers some for of sexual exploitation or torture. Hell, in the opening credit scene, there is even a clear shot of a man on the streets of New York holding up a sign that reads : “Husbands of the world UNITE”, a clear reference to the backlash against the rise of feminism. With all the controversy stirred up by Cannibal Holocaust, Ferox seemed content with merely existing alongside it and being just as disturbing. The biggest difference is that while both films will likely upset you, the experience of watching Ferox will be over once the credits roll. Cannibal Holocaust will find a deep dark place within you to make a home.

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A lot of Exploitation films dont hold up well with the passage of time. Away from the grimy lights of the grindhouse cinemas, its pretty common for the once celebrated gems to be revealed as hokey, cheap, shallow and just plain shitty. These are two films that prove sometimes the filth of those fabled 42nd street cinemas will never be wiped clean. They remain today, just as troubling, shoking, unsettling…and yet entertaining, as they did yesterday. The next few installments of this series will see several other films from the Cannibal movie Boom, and when it is released, I’ll be doing a special Nasty report on the spiritual sequel to Cannibal Holocaust, Eli Roth’s Green Inferno.

It’s Just A Dirty Black Summer

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“Someone had to go this far…” -Marilyn Manson

 

Every so often you’ll run into a horror fan who thinks they are all badass because they could sit through Cannibal Holocaust. August Underground’s Mordum is what i make them watch next. Mordum is the sophomore entry in the AU trilogy, and is notoriously known as the sickest entry. Presented as the depraved home videos of serial killers and shot by the killers on shitty handheld cameras, Mordum is a disturbing ride through the depths of hell. To go over the plot would almost be futile for two reasons. 1) Most of the plot concerns the commiting of unspeakable attrocities…well, Actually, I’m perfectly comfortable repeating them, I just think the film is best viewed for yourself. 2) The details of the plot…really don’t matter that much as the film flows from one unsettling and disgusting scene to the next. 

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If depictions of graphic violence, brutal murders, wanton mutilation, rape, incest, cannibalism and necrophilia aren’t enough to make your skin crawl, the filming technique blends seamlessly with the special effects to make what we are seeing hyper-realistic. For all i know these could have been the most basic gore effects ever seen…but when filmed with Mom and Dads shitty Handicam, you can’t tell the difference. One can easily be forgiven for mistaking this film for an honest to goodness Snuff Film.  In fact…While traveling to Canada to attend the Rue Morgue Festival of Fear in Toronto, co-director and writer Fred Vogel was arrested, pending charges of transporting obscene materials into Canada, when copies of Mordum and its predecessor were found by customs officials among the merchandise he had intended to bring to the convention. The charges were dropped, after Vogel had spent roughly ten hours in customs prison, and his films were sent to Ottawa for further observation. He should have gone to Vancouver instead. I’m sick of Toronto always getting the cooler Festival of Fear over Vancouver!!!

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The exploitation film database The Worldwide Celluloid Massacre has Mordum ranked as the third most “vile” film viewed by the website, below Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom, and The Angel’s Melancholy. The review of the film (which is categorized as “worthless”) referred to it as “pointless hardcore depravity”. I really can’t argue against that too much. Having said that, I suppose the point is the shock itself. It forces you to feel something, whether it be disgust, contempt, mirth, or arousal…it is impossible to watch this film and not be effected. The August Underground Films are to Horror Films what GG Allin is to Punk Rock. Sometimes we need some crazy-blood-drenched-shit-smeared rebel to make such a disgusting and visceral display, if for no other reason than to show us that what we previously thought was too far, is nowhere near far enough.

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*smooches!*

Let’s Get NASTY! : Blood Feast, and The Ghastly Ones

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“But it’s MY party, and I WANT A BLOOD FEAST!” -Michael Alig, Party Monster.

Director Hershell Gordon Lewis is responsible for starting the genre of Splatter Films. Not only did his films pioneer the depiction of explicit gore, but he developed a new realistic looking stage blood that was also easy to clean. Blood Feast(1973) was banned in the UK, and was regarded as a Video Nasty right from the get-go, which is hardly surprising considering how shocking the gore must have seemed at the time. Adding further fuel to the fire, producers of the film opted to hand out “Personal Vomit-Bags” at screenings, and taking out an Injunction on the film in Sarasota, FL, knowing the move would garner publicity.
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The film itself is pretty simple…some would even go so far as to say stupid, it concerns a deranged caterer (yes, a caterer…) Who brutally slaughters young women and collects various body parts to include in the meals he prepares. This is all done so as to make sacrifices to his “Egyptian Goddess” Ishtar. The killer, Mr. Ramses, is the original Wild Eyed Machete wielding Maniac, predating later day slashers by around 20 years. The film is quite low budget, and keeps its aspirations quite modest, except for the beautiful gore.
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Then there is the silliness… I don’t think anyone could take this concept, with this title and play it completely straight. Here’s an example…
“Ma’am, I’m afraid this feast is evidence of murder”
“Oh dear…I suppose we’ll have to have hamburgers for dinner then”

And my personal favorite:
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“Saaaay…you wouldn’t sacrifice me on this Altar, would ya?”
“Oh no no no, of course not…now just lay back down…*pulls out Machete*”

Also worth checking out are the next two installments in Lewis’ “Blood Trilogy”, Two Thousand Maniacs, and Color Me Blood Red. A later gem by Lewis is The Wizard Of Gore.

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The only thing Ghastly about this film is…well, everything, but not for the reasons you’d think. The Ghastly Ones(1968), sometimes known as Blood Rites, is a story about 3 sisters, along with their husbands, who are spending 3 nights in their late Father’s home. As a condition of his will, the couples must have sex in the house, and after 3 days, the remainder of the will is to be read. Along with the 3 couples, are 2 maids, and a semi-retarded hunchback named Colin. As one might expect, deaths start piling up, red herrings abound, etc. We’ve seen it before.
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The only thing I can think of that would land this on the Nasty List is it’s somewhat graphic violence, though it is very tame by today’s standards. To be honest, I had a bitch of a time watching this film. I can forgive the poor picture quality, as it adds a certain charm, but I can’t get past the poor lighting which renders the action sometime impossible to see, and the horrible shaky camera work in the opening scene. The real atrocity though, is the acting. Everyone performs in an exaggerated pantomime usually reserved for stage plays, and it makes everyone on screen look like an over-acting tit. This one really bummed me out. Just a very lame film. Thankfully, the next few installments should provide better fare.

The Legend of Victor Crowley

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When a film gives itself the Tagline: “Old School American Horror”, one would think it left zero room for fucking around. Yet the Hatchet franchise is one giant-3-film-fuckaround. But it’s a fuckaround done RIGHT! The Slasher genre had its glory days, then went out of style only to come back into vogue years later, but something had changed. Modern Slashers seem focused on delivering a visceral experience and less on being a fun movie. This is not to say that I don’t enjoy modern slashers…I mean, who couldn’t love the pulse pounding “I know what you did…” series? Ok , bad example, Wrong Turn , Behind the Mask, and the various remakes and re-imaginings of the 80s classics have all been good, but when i watch them, i can’t help but feel they lack the spirit of old. I get the feeling that Adam Green felt the same way.

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Adam Green is the Mastermind behind the Hatchet franchise, serving as creator, writer, director, producer and bit-part actor, I think it can safely be said that Hatchet is HIS baby. The story arc follows the legend of Victor Crowley, a vengeful spirit haunting the Louisiana swamp that was once his home, but is now his killing field! Over the course of the 3 films, we learn about the legend, how Crowley came to be cursed, and the eventual resolution of the curse, and along the way we are treated to near countless inside jokes for genre fans, wildly over the top and inventive kills, as well as appearances by some icons of horror cinema.

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Hatchet (part 1) opens with a pair of Gator hunters, Sampson Dunston (Played by Horror legend Robert Englund), and his son Ainsley, out on the Bayou late at night trying to bag a catch. In short order they are set upon by Victor Crowley (Played by Kane Hodder of Friday the 13th fame, who also plays Victor’s Father Thomas in a flashback, a rare unmasked role for Hodder), who dispatches them in over-the-top, bloody fashion, setting the tone and standard for the franchise. Our Narrative next cuts to Mardi Gras where we meet Ben (Joel David Moore, quite possibly the best “lovable loser” in film history) and Marcus (Dion Richmond, who clearly tries too hard in this role)(Adam Green makes a cameo as their drunk friend), two friends who at Ben’s insistence, and despite Marcus’s objections, seek out a Haunted Swamp Tour, and seek out Reverend Zombie (Tony Todd, of Candyman, and Night of the Living Dead (1990) fame). The Rev informs them he can’t do tours anymore after being sued for negligence, but instead refers them to a shop down the street, where the duo meet Shawn (Perry Shen), an Asian sheister with a fucked up fake Creole accent, as well as Shapiro, a sleazy porn producer(ooooooor IS he?) and two prerequisite disposable sluts. Misty is a dumb blonde, while Jenna is an “Actress” who seems to think that filming “Bayou Beavers” will be a stepping stone to a real career…uuuuuh-huh. They also meet an older couple, Shannon and Jim Permatteo (Jim played by Richard Riehle, Fuck yeah! Diabetus Walrus!) and the intense and aloof Marybeth (played by Shannon Feldman). As the tour goes on we briefly meet a Piss-drinking Gator hunter named Jack Cracker(played by FX guru John Carl Buechler) who warns the group not to enter the swamp. Ignoring Jack’s warning and carrying on the tour, we learn the legend of Victor Crowley, that of a deformed boy who was accidentally killed by his father via a hatchet strike to his face, and ever since then, he haunts the swamps and can be heard calling ominously for his Daddy. After running aground and being forced to abandon their boat, the group is alerted to the danger they are in by Marybeth, a local resident who is searching for her Father, Sampson and brother Ainsley. One by one, the group are picked off by ole Hatchet-Face himself, Victor Crowley in several inventive and hilariously awesome ways, such as a Belt-Sander to the face, ripping the head apart via the jaw, Decapitation with a shovel, etc. It’s a fun romp that is a gore effects aficionado’s wet dream. I’ve heard the film described as a love letter to the slasher films of yesteryear, to which I couldn’t agree more. It manages to pay homage, while still being entertaining enough to stand on it’s own. After the first film, Horror had gained a new hot director, and a New icon was born in Victor Crowley.

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Hatchet II picks up literally where Hatchet left off, as the film begins during the final battle between Marybeth(Now played by Danielle Harris of Halloween fame).  Marybeth manages to escape the seemingly inevitably bloody end at the hands of Crowley and attempts to flee the swamp, being assisted by Jack Cracker who takes her back to his Cabin.  After learning that Sampson is her last name, he fearfully kicks her out, telling her that if she wants help, she needs to see Reverend Zombie. Moments after she leaves, Jack is killed by Victor Crowley, who gouges his intestines out and strangles him with them until he decapitates him…Leave it to an FX guy to give himself one of the coolest deaths!. Marybeth returns to Reverend Zombie’s shop and, after demanding to speak with him, he reluctantly lets her in(Along the way, we see Adam Green, passed out in the street). After learning her last name, he tells her that her father was one of the 3 boys responsible for causing the fire that originally killed Victor Crowley. He also tells her that Thomas, Victor’s father, had an affair with his wife’s nurse after she was diagnosed with stomach cancer. Moments before dying, Shyann Crowley placed a curse on the child conceived by the Nurse from the affair. Months later, she dies after giving birth to the deformed Victor Crowley. Initially ashamed of his son, Thomas hides Victor from the world, and becomes a bit of a recluse himself, but gradually grows to love his son. After Victor is killed in the fire, Thomas confronts the three boys responsible but they, along with their parents, deny it. Thomas becomes a shut-in and eventually dies of a broken heart ten years later. Ever since then, Crowley’s spirit has Haunted the swap, as he slaughtered anyone who entered. In Zombie’s shop, we learn that he was in fact running the ill-fated swamp tour, having set up a dummy operation to keep the heat off him. We also meet Shawn’s brother Justin, again played by Perry Shen. Marybeth enlists the help of Zombie to retrieve the bodies of her family, which he agrees to do, enlisting a posse of hunters to help retrieve his boat while they are at it. What follows is more over the top slaughter and for some reason a lot of mutilation that starts at the crotch. This is especially curious when you consider Victors use of a giant goddamn chainsaw…a killer Phallic symbol!

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Was Adam Green riled up into sexual frenzy at the pressense of Danielle Harris? I sure would be! The blood flows like wine and the limbs fly like…well, flies…i guess. Fuck it, it’s a swamp! Victor deals out one of his most brutal slayings to Rev Zombie as we see the continuation of a theme within the series, Kane Hodder(Jason Voorhees) brutally slaying his horror peers in Robert Englund(Freddy Kreuger), and Tony Todd(Candyman). Either Adam Green is the be-all-end-all Friday the 13th fan, or he was so terrified of Kane Hodder that he chose this trend to appease him. Both seem equally possible.  The climax of the film sees Marybeth using Victor’s own Hatchet to hack his head to a bloody stump, then deliver the Coup De Gras with a shotgun blast to what is left of his face, yelling “FUCK YOU!!!”” in defiance…Which leads us straight into…

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Picking up literally the instant we left off, Hatchet III opens to Marybeth shotgunning Crowley’s head to mulch, only for him to rise again and attack yet again. After knocking him back onto the running 8ft chainsaw from last film, literally splitting him in two(to which i stood up and cheered). This time believing Crowley to be truly dead, Marybeth grabs the spent shotgun, and a large piece of Crowley’s skull, and starts marching back to town with a catatonic look on her face. She stumbles into a Sheriffs office, gun and scalp in hand, muttering “…I killed ‘im…”. She is arrested and upon tellign authorities what happened, and where to find all the bodies, the Sheriff screams at her “That is the stupidest story I’ve ever heard, with the most asinine logic I have ever heard!” We then immediatly cut to a shot of Adam Green, now in the drunk tank, who looks up, and has a hurt look in his eyes. Brilliant! Because this film is still new, I won’t give away anymore details of the plot, but i will say we get to see appearances from  Perry Shen, who plays a Paramedic unrelated to the brothers from the first two films, all so they can make the “All Asians look alike” joke. Sid Haig(Devils Rejects, House Of 1000 Corpses, Coffy) makes an appearance as a relative of the Crowley family, and in a moment of Horror film geeky glory, Derek Mears plays a bad ass Swat leader who takes on Crowley. As we all know, Kane Hodder(Crowley) is famous for Playing Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th 7-10, while Derek Mears played Voorhees in the 2009 Reboot. Imagine seeing two Jasons square off! Will the new blood be able to match up with the crafty Veteran?

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All in all, I think the Hatchet franchise was a great ride. I’ve heard several criticisms that the plot lacks structure and the violence is unrealistic, to which I say: Good! The whole point of a slasher film is to let go of the real world and immerse yourself in a world where people make dumb decisions, and suffer horrible fates. These movies are meant to be fun. An early review of Hatchet III said it felt like a 90 minute Friday the 13th fan film. It is. It is made by fans of classic slasher films, FOR fans of classic slasher films. Hatchet is devoid of social commentary, of morality plays, it is a franchise that knows exactly what it is, and doesn’t try to be anything else…

A BLOODY GOOD TIME!