And you thought the Bates Motel was twisted…

What do you do when you set out to make a serious Horror film inspired by Psycho and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but you just don’t have the budget? You say “Fuck It”, go for comedy, and you make Motel Hell.

This gem has rightly become a tongue in cheek Cult Classic. Released in 1980, and like so many films reviewed here, didn’t do particularly well until it eventually found it’s audience on home release. What comes as a total shock to me is the producers didn’t think to market the film with a limited run of Smoked Meat! Which leads us in to the plot…

The Motel Hello (the “O” flickers on the sign, conveniently) is run by the Murderous Brother and Sister duo of Vincent and Ida. In addition to the Motel, the grounds have a small farm, a “secret garden” (we’ll get back to that), and a smokehouse where Vincent makes his “Famous Smoked Meat”. Naturally the secret ingredient is HUMAN FLESH, and they will go to any lengths to protect their secret, as well as maintain their supply. Particularly Ida. Vincent sets and maintains booby traps near the Motel to ensnare new victims which he takes to the secret garden, buries them up to their neck and feeds them through tubes until he is ready to cure and smoke their flesh…because for some idiotic reason, he only smokes three at a time.

Along the way, we meet the third and youngest sibling, Bruce. In a true twist of unpredictable comedy genius, Bruce left home at a young age and became an officer of the law! What crazy situations will this lead to? As it turns out, a lot of bizarre situations that will leave you scratching your head and wondering “What kind of mind thinks up Daffy Bullshit like this?” For fuck sakes, Vincent dons a giant Pig mask during the climactic chainsaw battle…for no fucking reason!

As random and nonsensical as this film is, it is a lot of fun and had me laughing way more than most Horror-Comedies. I’ve said many times before that often the stupider a Horror film is, the more i enjoy it, and in Motel Hell, we have another perfect example. The absurdity of films from this era seems to make them age like a fine wine, only getting better/shittier with age. I’m hoping to start hosting semi-regular Double Bill Screenings in the Greater Vancouver area, and Motel Hell is a perfect example of the kind of films i hope to showcase. Do you have any suggestions for other titles to screen? Venues to host? Ways i can pull this off while spending and or losing as little money as possible? Contact me, and let’s make this shit happen!

6/10 Random Pig Masks

The Cryptid Crypt: The Mothman Prophecies

I labored greatly over the decision whether or not to include this review under the banner of the Cryptid Crypt. The film is much more a psychological thriller than it is a creature feature. The nature of the Mothman itself is not unlike this film, in that one can constantly ask “What is it?”, and never receive a definitive answer. Ultimately I decided to include it based on two things. 1) There needs to be way more entries into the Cryptid Crypt, so i better not let an opportunity go to waste. 2) Monsterquest devoted a whole episode to the Mothman, which as far as I’m concerned, gives him all the Cryptid Cred he could ever need.

“We’re not allowed to know”

This film flew under my radar for a great many years. 2002 was an interesting year for Horror fans, post Scream era, just as Asian Horror films were starting to catch on, and before Hollywood Remake fever hit it’s frenzied pitch. Several films came out during this time which didn’t fit into any category and stood out as stellar films in their own right, such as 28 Days Later, Cabin Fever, May, and of course, The Mothman Prophecies. During this time, Not only did i not have regular access to the internet, but i was frequently quite broke. My only hope of seeing Horror films was to rent them, and with a limited budget, i wanted to make sure i wasn’t disappointed by what i selected to watch. Ultimately i relied on word of mouth as well as what trailers i was able to see on TV. I can’t recall whether i was unimpressed with the trailer or if i heard a poor review, but I stayed away from this film until 2 weeks ago. I can’t even remember what made me decide to finally give it a chance, but once i did, I felt compelled to watch it several more times. Each time i would end the experience feeling uneasy and slightly on edge. Not afraid, but as if the film was trying to tell me something that i wasn’t able to decipher yet.

As cheesy as that may sound, it fits in not only with the Narrative of the film, but with the overall execution as well. The story follows John Klein(Richard Gere), as he struggles to move on with his life in the wake of a Car accident that claimed the life of his wife Mary(Debra Messing). Before she succumbs to her injuries, Mary seems terrified and disoriented because of what may have been an encouter with the Mothman causing the crash, leaving behind strange drawing s of an ominous winged creature she says she saw that night. Two years later, John is functioning, but clearly broken. He is sent on assignment to Richmond Virginia yet mysteriously drives to Point Pleasant West Virginia in a span of time that should not have been physically responsible, and with no memory of having done so. Once in Point Pleasant, John becomes wrapped up in the accounts of several locals who are reporting strange and inexplicable occurrences and sighting of a familiar looking winged creature.

Soon, John becomes totally consumed with the phenomena that he is consumed with finding answers. About this time is when he speaks with Ingrid Cold. Only conversing to John over the phone, Cold is a mysterious and haunting figure whom we are to assume is the Mothman. Cold makes prophecies about disasters, and chillingly tells John in specific detail things that could only be known if he were inside John’s head.

“If your friend thinks he’s talking to God, he’s off by more than a few degrees.”

Ingrid Cold is the personification of the unexplained within the film. Giving voice to occurrences that cannot be. What do you do when the things that cannot be, suddenly ARE? John tries in vain to connect the dots through the divide of rational and irrational and comes dangerously close to losing himself in the process.

This movie is a very strange trip. It manages to achieve a certain aesthetic flow, drawing you in while adding mysterious, often surreal layers, yet never once is it forceful or feel like it’s leading you by the hand. Several scene transitions are accompanied by mild electrical interference, giving the impression of being monitored. Adding to the semi voyeuristic tone is the use of POV camera angles, but who’s Point of View are we seeing this from? When Mary wakes up in the hospital, she darts her gaze frantically around the room, the POV appears to be hiding behind a partition and peering out at her bed. Other shots appear as it they are peeking out from behind trees, drifting above moving cars, or even flying over the city.

This film haunts on a subliminal level. As i mentioned before, I have now watched it several times, not because I feel like I’m getting closer to some hidden truth, but because i have the unshakable feeling that there is more to the film that I am not seeing. If a character on screen should appear in a mirror, their actions don’t always match the reflection. This may be the most blatant clue to the viewer that things may not always be as they appear to be.  The film is an adaptation of a book by the same name written by the real life John Klein who documented the supposedly true accounts of Point Pleasant locals who had encounters with the Mothman, leading up to, and after the infamous Silver Bridge Collapse in Point Pleasant. How much is truth and who much is fiction will likely never be answered to universal satisfaction, yet the film certainly succeeds in making me look closer at not only the film itself, but the mysterious events that took point in Point Pleasant, and I encourage you to do the same.

7/10 Collapsed Bridges

If any readers have suggestions or requests for the Cryptid Crypt, or any other section of the blog, feel free to comment below.

Rad Moon Rising

It’s very rare when merely the title and poster for a film can sell it so effectively. Especially in this day and age. What is Wolfcop about? It’s about a Wolfcop. Nuff said. This little slice of exploitation heaven keeps things simple and it’s paid off in spades!

The story of how Wolfcop came to be is rather unique. Director Lowell Dean entered the very first Cinecoupe Fastrack contest. After beating out 9 other entries, Cinnecoup amped up Dean’s budget, and a guaranteed release in Cineplex theaters across Canada. Most independent films never get theatrical release, and if they do, it is often through smaller cinemas in select markets. To see a film come from such humble beginnings and receive national attention is incredible.

Cast and crew knew they had to make the most of their opportunity, so to build hype for the June release, they hit the festival and convention circuits hard! Before the June 6th premier, Wolfcop already had legions of fans, and thanks to the support of investors drummed up at festivals, a sequel has already been greenlit. Words can’t express how impressed I am with how this film has been promoted. I was given a limited edition Wolfcop comic while standing in line, and Wolfcop himself is a sexy centerfold in this months Rue Morgue magazine!

But how was the film? I’m pretty sure I fell in love with this film long before I saw it, so trying to be objective is a bit difficult. I put this one right up against Hobo With A Shotgun as two of the best films in the last five years that deliver an insanely good time. Wolfcop makes good on all the madness suggested by it’s title, yet manages to be more than just an 80’s tinged exploitation romp. Surprisingly, it works rather well as a straight up Cop-flick. Leo Fafard(our Wolfcop, Lou Garou), Jonathan Cherry(conspiracy nut/sidekick Willie), Sara Lind (sultry barmaid Jessica) and Amy Matysio (Hardworking cop Tina) each turn in solid performances that somehow make such a ridiculous premise seem natural and believable by perfectly balancing the dramatic and the silliness.

This is a clever, fun, charming, and most of all BADASS film! A perfect blend of practical creature effects, gore, action, the occult, intrigue, humor, werewolf jokes, and marketability. Praise be to Wolfcop, our new Cult Movie Hero! 

Yes, I know I told you next to nothing about the plot…Just go see it, or you will never forgive yourself!

9.5 out of 10 Drunken Werewolves!

We’ve got Cabin Fever

Did you see the first two? Great, forget all that shit because none of it was important.  The first two installments of the Cabin Fever franchise establish the tone of our films as fun, which quickly spirals into hysterics, paranoia, and flesh melting. We are introduced to recurring shithead supporting character Deputy Winston, and watch a deadly, fast action g flesh eating virus lay waste to the cast of both films. When I heard a prequel was announced, I had assumed we would see the origins of the disease, and how it was introduced to the woods in the first film where it infected the Hermit’s dog. I was mostly half right …Mostly.

Meet Patient Zero. Yup…the fat Hobbitt. The film opens with the virus already spreading, yet he seems to be immune. A carrier. He is taken to an isolated research bunker on a deserted island somewhere in Latin America where scientists attempt to study him and develop a cure for the virus. In one of these scientists, we meet one of the biggest teases of the film.

She walks around the she time with her cleavage out and we NEVER actually see her tits. Its a real shame. We do however get to see an infected subject projectile vomit blood all over her, and she takes part in the coolest catfight I’ve ever seen. It’s fiesty bitches LITERALLY tearing each others skin off!

There is also a group of childhood friends who have taken a boat to the island for a bachelore party, so here we have our comic relief as well as some fun twenty some things to identify with…but there is a problem. Anyone who has seen the first two films knows full well that these kids are doomed. I found it hard to get invested with them when I know they are just going to melt.

I had a bit of a problem with the plot as well. The film doesn’t explain how the Virus came to be and infected the first victims, neither does the climax of the film sync up with the events of the first film, so we could potentially see more prequels. I did very much enjoy the gore effects, and despite the flaws I mentioned, I think this was a decent film. It gives us exactly what we’ve come to expect from the Cabin Fever franchise, and sheds some light on the back story. Time will tell if more prequels are on the way. As scary as the idea of a fast spreading deadly pandemic is to me, I admit that I’m much more afraid of having my skull caved in by a massive black dildo. (Watch the film, you’ll see.)